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yesterday, yesteryear

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[26 Jul 2003|09:50am]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

When I was younger, I used to have this friend who would come down every summer to stay with his grandparents. His name was Michael, and he was slightly taller than me with a shock of brown hair on his head. What he looked like beyond that escapes me now, as I either haven't any pictures of him or they're somewhere hiding from me. He would come down for three or four weeks every summer, and we would be in heaven.

I'd met him one afternoon at the pool. We hit it off quickly, and he'd invited me over that night to watch a movie. I only remember the buttered popcorn that his grandmother made for us-- she had pour-on butter, a delicacy to be treasured, at that point.

He was the first kid to call me and invite me over on a regular basis. Oft, we'd just sit and play SNES, while other times we'd watch a movie. Despite his being older than me, we were the best of friends while he was in town.

The summer before I'd entered the fifth grade, he didn't come. I saw his grandparents a few times that summer, and they said that he had gone to his other grandparents' house that summer. The same for the next year. The summer after sixth grade, I didn't even inquire as to where he was; I simply greeted them as the wonderful friends they were, having hosted me in their house on several occasions. At the end of that summer, they moved.

Sometimes, I wonder if Michael came back, if we'd recognize each other. I'm convinced that we wouldn't.

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yesterday was cold... [22 Mar 2003|05:42pm]

[ mood | scared ]

i remember when i was really little, maybe 3 or 4, my dad was carving a pumpkin for me. it was going to be the superest pumpkin ever. but then he cut himself somehow, and he had to go to the hospital to get stitches. 6, in his hand. and we walked to the hospital, cause my best friend megan's house was on the way. he dropped me off there, and megan and i weren't even sure what exactly was going on but we knew it was scary. so her mom told us "first, we're going to play dress-up, then we'll have a snack, and read a story after that." and we wanted to know what if he still wasn't back to get me. we'd watch a video, she said. and everything felt so much safer within that plan, because she was bigger than us and she knew that it would all be ok.

today i came home and my parents weren't here. the note on the door said they'd be back soon, but it's been an hour and a half and i'm still the only one home. there was advil and tylenol on the kitchen table and someone had yoinked my midol from my bathroom and put it on the table too. and i'm making too many conjectures now, but i'm so afraid that something happened. i wish i could still play dress-up and have a snack and read a story. but i'm supposed to go see my boyfriend tonight and what if they're not home by then? why is there this horrible feeling in my stomach?


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Chris' House [17 Mar 2003|04:55pm]

I remember one of my first friends. It was back in kindergarten or first grade, when I had first moved into my house. I met this kid named Chris Kennedy, who lived two houses down the street from me, on my side of the street. I don't quite remember how I met him, but I remember that we were quite good friends. He was two years older than me or so, since I remember him moving out when I was about in third grade, and he was in fifth. He took karate, red belt, if I recall correctly. He had a dog, this giant friendly golden retriever, and his sister had a cat. Their pets got along rather well.

Chris lived in his house before it was fenced off, and his yard was huge. There was a nice little ditch that led from a sewer drain for water runoff from rainy days.

I don't remember much about Chris, as far as how he sounded or what he looked like. I assume he was my first touch of nerdiness- after all, what kind of fifth grader would hang out with a third grader, just the two of them?

I have a few memories of him. Us jumping up and down on his bed, and he kicked me in the stomach on accident. Setting up his buckets of army men around his room and fighting mock battles, turn-based style.

But one of the clearest memories I associate with him is when I had known him for a year or so. After school, we entered his house through the front door-- which didn't have a screen nor glass storm door then-- and we sat down and flipped channels for a bit. We decided to put in Captain America, which was a movie with actors and everything. He wouldn't let me watch a beginning scene, telling me it was too scary. He told me to close my eyes until he said it was okay. I always wonder what it was that I had missed that day. The thought that I could handle it popped into my head, but I never opened my eyes.

I still don't know what happens in that opening scene. I don't recall the movie at all, and I haven't watched it since that time, over at Chris' house.
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[28 Feb 2003|06:33pm]

last summer i spent so many days sitting on steve's couch, watching whoever was there that day play danzig covers. i'd stay at sabrina's house one night and she'd come over to mine the next. then we'd go over to steve's together and bum around with the guys all day. they teased us about our shorts being frayed at the bottom. they said we could've done that ourselves, we shouldn't have paid a factory to do it for us. i can't remember it as well as i wish i could. there was downloading of music and making of jokes. tony hawk and a bad movie about a resort on a mountain. one day everything was lovely and agreeable, and we decided that we would aspire to make every day equally good. we never matched that day, but that's how it goes. towards the end of summer, before i had to exile myself to do the summer reading, everyone started to get bored. but i felt i could've lived that way forever
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sorry for XPing [06 Feb 2003|08:39am]

[ mood | missingyou ]

I miss the summer. I hate this stupid freezing cold weather. I don't like having to worry about freezing my ass off outside, I'd rather run outside and lie down on the pavement of the driveway when the sun sets, and feel the heat from the day press into my skin in that comfortable way. I want to be able to go outside at 10 o clock in my big tshirt and shorts and look at the stars and sit on my front stoop and talk on the phone and point out constellations and tell each other what stars we wished on.

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[02 Feb 2003|09:35am]

[ mood | recumbent ]

cheesy but...i <3ed itCollapse )

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deceptive friendships [31 Jan 2003|11:38pm]
actually i have nothing specific to say. but i decided to do lj community service. *blows rasperry* =P

- its amazing how people can change and how easily people can go in different ways as the years go by. it's amazing how you can be best friends with someone and you guys swore you'd be friends forever and nothing would come between you guys. you'd swear on your grave that you'd never take that friendship bracelet off and you'd swear you'd never tell a single soul about that time she did this and she did that. so many promises.. so many secrets... and they only ended up to be.. a lie. why is that?

- why did they have to lie. it's worse when they lie. i knew we wouldn't be friends forever but why did they have to sound so positive to make me believe maybe we really were true friends, maybe nothing would come between us. they made me believe it was going to be alright. they all said we'd be friends forever. they said that if any one of us was ever down, we'd always be there for them right away. they always said so many things i wish were true. things that actually made me smile. i once thought it was going to be alright- i was going to live life with these people to carry me through life. it was going to be fine. it was going to be alright.

- but as the years grew and we grow older, it became hard. why didn't i have any classes with them anymore? i don't get it. how come we don't see each other in the hallways? where could they possibly be? were they still in class? on the other side of the school perhaps? and when we walked passed each other, how come they didn't glance at me, give a smile and say "hey!" how come they walked right on by? but maybe i shouldn't complain. bc i treated them the same. i passed right by them, and sometimes they would say hey nd i dindt even bother to see who it was nd just shout "hey" but i had no idea who it was, i didn't have time. maybe that's why. but it wasn't fair. no, it really wasn't. how could you possibly walk pass a person in the hallway without glancing at them, knowing you could've written a book of all the memories you guys shared just last year? how is it possible?

- the truth is. yes, we are growing up and we finally found the truth that we weren't the friends we thought we were to be. we might have so many secrets on that 8th grade trip but who knew as we grew older, you were more complex than an average teenager and you never did like the stuff we all shared? but i hate it. i hate it so much. how you still have the balls to still say "i miss you. it's been a long time since i've talked to you. i miss you so much." bc you're such a bullshitter, and you know it. you never missed me. you never dared to look at me. but what pisses me off the most is, how we all know we all moved on with our lives and here you are, still smiling and bullshittin actin as if everything was like it was before. because it's not. and it never will be.

- but im sorry too. im sorry i led people on. i was too foolish back then. i believed, too, that life was going to give us lifelong friends. and i know all i am doing is just turning around and walking away from you. and why? bc i have realized who i am. and whoever i am, is a person who could not be friends with you. no, i couldn't be. the person that i am, realizes it is time to forget you, our memories, our friendship... our past. because after all, we all are moving on, no?
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[30 Jan 2003|03:37pm]

[ mood | sad ]

I miss my grandpa b. the stories he used to tell, and how he let me tame his cows in the field out in the country.
I miss my japanese exchange studets that I had in highschool. Tomoko and Kyoko.
I miss the oldies station here, how they always used to play eleanor rigby the beatles song that is my favorite at 2 in the afternoon every day, and now, they dont...

I miss long walks in my old neighboor hood, when the little neighboor kids used to follow me and try to hide whem I turned around.

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playing drinking games [30 Jan 2003|04:16pm]

[ mood | empty ]

KEmiNem86: hey mimi

Auto response from x TWiNKLE starr: here comes the sun!

KEmiNem86: i think i miss us


another ex-best friend.

i miss him too.

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the day i gave my life away... [28 Jan 2003|04:33pm]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

i remember last summer when we'd be online til 3 in the morning. and everything we said was *so* 15 years old and *so* 3 am, but it was ok. because you knew everything there was to know about me, almost. and that made me feel perfect, because you were the only thing that meant enough to me and you understood. even though i would cry at what we said, you made me so happy.

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under the blanket [27 Jan 2003|10:50am]

My dad would play a game called "under the blanket" we (my father sister and me) would go under a comforter, that seemed huge at the time. He would sorta trap us in, excpet not really. We were more trapping the dogs out who would be forcing to get in. Their little dog noses poking in, interested in what was so important under the blanket. And it was important. We had time with dad. We had his affection, we sat in his lap and laughed. When we eventually got out, the dog ended up getting trapped and it was funny seeing the dog walk around with a blanket on top of him like a ghost.

my dad's mad at me right now.

his princess..
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remember that summer weekend together? [27 Jan 2003|01:23am]
I will never forget you... remember that weekend?

Remember when I invited you to come hang and meet my new friends? And we were all watching Fast&Furious and perhaps I was still a little drunk after a couple of hours because I decided to make the move to plop right next to you on the couch, throw a pillow on you and lie myself on top of you? And remember when you put your arm around me and all I did was start carressing your arm? Remember when you started to touch my hair and slowly everyone started to leave the room and we were alone to watch the last scene of the move? And then the credits came out, and we were lying on the couch together in the dark and just started talking. And then I remember how nervous you must've felt, trying to decide when to do it... And then all of a sudden I felt your sweet lips touch mine?

And remember the night after that? Do you remember how I sacrificed my safety for you? Remember the blue tank and jean shorts? The black bra and the maroon panties? Remember the late night Saturday tv shows we were watching? Remember we were trying to find something good on but all we found was the ending of Hannibal, Telletubbies, and Robin Williams with his R-rated personality? And remember how much fun we had that night? Remember all the things that had happened in the matter of three hours? I remember how you would brush my hair and rub my back. I remember when I just crawled right next to your body. I remember I felt like I had no worry at all. I remember feeling so serenaded, so peaceful. I remember I was about to fall asleep. I remember finally deciding to go back home... at 6am.

And I remember how much I had scared you the day afterwards. I remember how you kept on asking how I felt, and if I was okay and if I was in trouble. I remember how you said you were so surprised because you are the only one of the few who knows the deepest secrets and the truth about me. I remember how you would make fun of me because I apparently was saying things that night that I must have said subconsciously.

But I will never forget... just how it felt... to be held and carressed under the blanket. On the couch. Alone. In the silence.
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[26 Jan 2003|08:25pm]

[ mood | old ]

I turned 16 today. Well, actually, I turn 16 right about now.

After my 16:30 run today, (30 sec uphill at the end for the coming year,) I sat around outside in my yard, looking up and down the three streets from my yard. I remembered all sorts of memories I've made in places I could SEE from right there. Nearly drowning at the pool, hacking away at Jonathan's bush with our Power Ranger toys, watching the sunset from my yard, rolling down the hill in my backyard...

I realized that this was all of my life that I could remember. Almost everything I knew of myself was in this place, in all these places I could spot from the corner of my yard.

We grow up too fast. First, you wish that you could be grown up, then you try to grow up fast, then you wish you could stop time where it is, then you attempt to stay young, and then you wish you were still young.

I can't believe I'm 16 already. I'm so old; I think I need to have an early-life crisis.

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[26 Jan 2003|11:35am]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Last year the most important thing to me was change. High school meant new clothing, new music, new makeup. It wasn't an act; it was accelerated evolution. Inevitably with new activities, new classes, came new friends, and the people closest to me were still there, but the relationships faded respective to the days that passed with no phone calls. Summer was the peak, with a completely different group of people, a new boyfriend, and choices.

Now I wake up half an hour before I have to leave for school, shower, and go to school with my hair wet. More often than not, I'm wearing scrub clothing, and the friends that used to be, and the new friends I lost, are acknowledged with smiles in the hallway, and that's it. Instead of seeing 10 people on the caller ID when I get in, I see two, my newer (but older) boyfriend and best friend.

But now, I'm happy.
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[26 Jan 2003|01:52am]

the cold weather makes me think of the beach. (always, but especially during winter.) we sat in a dip in the sand dunes and ate ice cream with white plastic spoons. four years ago. we sat and stared at the black ocean at midnight under a clear sky. i couldn't tell you what we talked about. because it wasn't important. what was important was the way i felt sand sticking to my skin. what was important was the way there was no one else on the beach at such a late hour, and how i wished things could always stay that way, as if those moments could be caught and held in my hands, preserved forever, filling the etched lines of my palms.
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hehe memories are fun [25 Jan 2003|11:15pm]
ill join your pretty community, mimi ^_^

i have lots of memOries... but ill share them later.
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here's a story. [25 Jan 2003|07:27pm]

hello to parachute_x . . .
this is from NYC, in a subway, 2 years ago.
a woman stood and gripped her two young boys, who gazed up at hear with not a little fear. she was white, clean-cut, carefully dressed, and completely absorbed in a very quiet panic attack. tears rolled down her face, she shook, and her cheeks were burnished red, burning. the subway car was packed, some standing, some sitting, and a man standing next to her (an uncomfortable nearness for her, apparently), inclined his head towards her with concern in his eyes.
"It's OK," she spluttered. "I haven't been on a subway in years, I thought I would be OK . . it's -- I'm claustrophobic. This is bad."
The train whined to a halt in a tunnel. The lights went out. It was bad.
Suddenly, quietly, a young man's voice rose from the darkness in the car. He was standing nearer to me, about 5 feet away from the woman, but was speaking to her.
"I heard once that god let us go in order that we would fall towards him."

Then there was silence.
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Howdy you all [25 Jan 2003|02:32pm]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I have a terrible headache..My hands smell terrible because of the "lotion" I put on them that was prlly 99.9% purfume..I feel really crappy so I'm going to bed.

Night guys

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[25 Jan 2003|05:19pm]

One time, at band camp...

No, I'm just kidding :) So hey! Here goes the first post of this humble community :) This is just a simple little place to share memories, beautiful, full, sad, anything, with the rest of us. Pictures are welcome, but if they are large or numerous, an lj-cut is appreciated :)

<3 michelle
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